Banter with the ED
by otheragram
Summary: A spoof based on UK TV serial Drama Casualty. Read into the adventures of the likes of Connie Beauchamp, Zoe Hanna and Dylan Keogh as you've never seen them before.
Hi! So I've had an idea- I don't know if it's a very good one so please review and tell me what you think. This is a spoof fanfiction based on the characters of Casualty and a few that I have created to cause havoc in this story. It's intended to be some light hearted fun! If you guys like it, then I'll hopefully be updating every Monday evening. Please let me know what you think, constructive criticism welcome! Also thank you to Natalie and Katie for your help with this :) Enjoy! Beth xxx

 **Chapter One: JAMES ROSIE**

The early morning sun seeped dreamily through a small gap in the curtains, catching the fresh white crisp sheets in it's gaze.

A feather had escaped from it's pillow case and found itself in the palm of Jacob's hand. He moved it gently into the grasp of his fingertips and moved it slowly along Connie's arm and bare shoulder. The lightness tickled her as she lay dreaming, her face twitched and she mumbled something.

He smiled, looking, studying or rather absorbing his girlfriends beauty as she slept. Perfect. She was perfect, this was perfect. His lips touched her forehead before he whispered, "See you later."

After a quick shower, Jacob pulled on some clothes and was about to go downstairs when Connie shot up, "You sneaking off?" She rubbed her eyes, her voice was soft and dreamy-still in a sleepy haze.

"Never ever would I do that babe." He lent over the edge of the bed and planted a long kiss on her lips, "Didn't wanna wake you."

"Where are you going? I thought we was going to spend the day together?"

"I've got a few things to sort out and then I'm all yours, I promise." His smile lit up his face and his girlfriend grinned too.

"Make sure your back in time for the public services event tonight."

"Don't worry, I'll be here. I'll be an hour or so..." Jacob kissed her again before heading towards the door, he turned as he reached it and murmured sexily, "Oh and Connie?"

"Mm?"

"Gang violence protocol." And with that he left.

Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock. Connie stared at the clock on her kitchen wall, it was now coming up for 7pm and Jacob was nowhere to be seen.

She picked up her iPhone 5s and wondered why she hadn't upgraded to even the 6 yet. Mrs Connie Beauchamp, clinical lead of Holby ED and the owner of a merc and an...An.. iPhone 5s. She clicked the home screen button, and she smiled at her lock screen. Beauty radiated fiercely from her mobile communication device as she stared at the picture of herself painted on the screen.

A text made her jump as her phone started to sing, 'It Wasn't Me' by Shaggy, perhaps this was foreshadowing events to come or just the fact that it was a TUUUUUUNE. Who wouldn't want it as their ringtone?

'Gone out with the boys. Jacob X'

Connie frowned, he'd ditched her. Again. She wasn't happy, she was fuming.

'But what about this evening? And why are you putting 'Jacob' at the end of your texts as if I don't know who it is. I've got your number lmao joker.'

Jacob didn't reply, he was too busy getting on the jäger with the lads, so Connie assumed it was his birthday again. Maybe this time she'd get some wrapping paper from card factory, wrap herself up in that. Wrapping paper is cheap in card factory too, but alas it was 7pm and card factory would be shut now. So she did what all good girlfriends do, she posted a Facebook status about how pissed off she was. It was such an essay, that even a friend of a friend was pissed off with Jacob after reading it.

237 shares, 1,654 likes and 800 comments later, Connie was at the public services gala having the time of her life. She didn't get much time to let her hair down, so when she did get the chance, she grabbed it with both hands, feet n'all! It was at the fancy gala, where she first met the gorgeous James Rosie.

Ah, James Rosie. He was tall, grey, broad and very mysterious. With chocolate brown eyes and navy blue suits, he was definitely, at least, an 8.5/10.

He was stood beside Mrs Beauchamp at the bar, her mouth went dry as she gazed at him before mentally kicking herself. She was with Jacob. He was her boyfriend. Do not speak to this man, do not speak to this incredibly gorgeous sexy man.

"Let me guess... Policeman?" She looked James up and down.

"Close enough... Detective. And you... Firefighter." His eyes lingered on her dress that hugged her figure perfectly, "No... Wait let me guess again... You're a nurse."

Connie rolled her eyes and laughed, "Surgeon. Well no, clinical lead and consultant at the-"

"Which?"

"Sorry?"

"Well you can't be all three, can you now?"

"Clinical lead of an emergency department." She replied, it was unlike the ice queen to get muddled up, but then she was faced with this tall, dark and handsome man. Ok so maybe it wasn't Mr Rosie that was really making her flush, her heart to beat fast and her words to become confused, it was definitely, and I mean definitely the 8 vodka and cokes she had consumed that fine Spring evening.

The two of them chatted at the bar for a further 10 minutes and had 2 jäger bombs before James decided it was time to lay his best chat up line on her. It'd been a long time since he'd used it, he'd recently divorced after his wife accused him of having an affair when really he'd become the proud owner of a Mecca bingo loyalty card and just could not stay away.

"Hey... Erm, what was your name again?" He asked leaning in closer to her.

"Connie. And I don't think I catched yours either?" She replied, sipping her drink.

"Oh no I never threw it at you." He shook his head before saying, "Connie, listen to me now. I've just shit in my pants."

Mrs Beauchamp frowned, what the actual fuck? Was this bloke for real? She should have stayed away.

James smiled, and leaned in closer adding, "Can I get in yours?"

It was 4am in the morning, Connie and James lay sleeping in her bed, unaware of Jacob stumbling in, seeing double of everything. He slid into bed beside James, and placed a kiss on his head, thinking it was Connie and whispered, "Night babe."

James, in his sleepy slumber mumbled, "Night." before cuddling up to Connie, and Jacob cuddling up to him. Completely unaware that he was spooning a stranger. And not his girlfriend.

As the clock chimed 7am it was time for the clinical lead to wake up, as she turned to press the alarm off, she noticed the two other bodies in her bed, and her heart began to race. Fuck, the red bull from last night was kicking in.

She shook James, "Hi, sorry, I'm not sure if you gave me your name but..."

"No I'm not called Connie." He smiled, "I'm James Rosé."

"Mr Rosé, please could you... Erm... Well my er... My boyfriend is..." She gestured to the man who's head was rested upon James's chest.

"Oh! This is him! He's a brilliant big spoon, isn't he?"

"Sorry? Look no, can you go? Before he wakes..?" She shook her head frowning.

Mr Rosie's eyes widened as he realised what this situation was perfect for, he grabbed Jacob's head and moved it off of his chest before, laying down, "Quick Connie! Lay down! Lay down!"

"There were three in a bed and the little one said, roll over! Roll over!" He began to sing, with a grin on his face.

Mrs Beauchamp frowned as James whispered nudging her gently, "You've got to roll over..."

He stared at her for a good minute or so before realising Connie obviously didn't know the game.

"So they all rolled over and..." He rolled over and knocked Jacob out of the bed, "One fell out!"

Jacob jumped in shock, his hangover fresh, he tried to stand up but the room was still spinning, he crawled to the en suite to throw up. "Connie?" He called, "Have you got any tablets-"

"Get out." She whispered to James sharply, "Before he sees you."

"Alright... Alright... well, enjoy the rest of your day and thank you for last night. I had a lot of fun, I took the liberty of writing my number on your fridge. Call me?" He picked his clothes up, putting them on quickly, "Actually can you text me because if you're with o2, it'll be free for you to text because I'm with..."

She got up and shut her bedroom door in his face, she certainly would not be seeing Mr Rosie again.

She sat back down on her bed, and thanked God her hangover wasn't as bad as her boyfriends, "Hey Jacob? Shall we go down to Greggs for breakfast?"

The toilet flushed loudly and Jacob came out, rubbing his head, "Ah nah man cos Dylan and Lofty and that will all be there and I can't be arsed sitting with them." He got back into bed and paused, and stared at Connie as he picked a short grey hair off of the pillow. There was one thing about Jacob, he was very observant, nothing ever escaped him.

"What's this Connie?"

TO BE CONTINUED...


End file.
